The Matron

An example of stalwart practicality, this is an Imperial Phoenix EPNS teapot with detached lid and bifurcated handle.

"Just look at this old girl! Round and sturdy with a pursed spout and ample handle, The Matron carries with it an air of cardigans, thick ankles in sensible shoes, and hair drawn into buns so compact they probably have their own centre of gravity. This is a teapot that would not be adverse to smacking your pyjama'd bottom with a slipper when you won't finish your sprouts.

The Matron will serve you black tea, plain, none of this fancy blending carry-on and stop asking so many questions, thank you very much."

- Madame Herringbone, October 5, 2014.

The Empire Diablo

A recent purchase for the collection, this is an Empire Plate EPNS with a solid handle and molded waist detailing.

"Don't let its jaunty, lyrical handle and pleasingly angular spout fool you: The Empire Diablo is unadulterated evil. 

The heat-sink dome towards the base is deceptive: when filled with boiling fluid, the handle will heat alarmingly and take great delight in scalding tender fingers. I am certain the first time I filled it up, the bloody thing cackled at me.

Built in 1902 by utter bastards, its sole purpose was to punish High Tea guests that were either outstaying their welcome or eating all the chocolate eclairs. 

This function is still useful today. When filled with low quality Lapsang Souchong or Alphabetti Spaghetti that always spells 'PISS OFF', the Gracious Host may be easily rid of tiresome folk without causing a spectacle."

- Madame Herringbone, October 2, 2014.